musing

Six Months (or Dear Diary)

“I can see a kite from my apartment window. It is stuck in a tree, twisted and trapped in claw-like branches. It hangs in plain sight. Reachable. Accessible. Alone. Once brilliant and bright it laps in the wind, tattered and forgotten, the cruel price of freedom.”  – Me

I have never kept a diary but for some reason in 2012 I thought that I should. A single outpouring at the end of every month. It only lasted for six.

     I am pretty glad April 2012 is gone. My mum was in hospital again with another cancer scare which was horrible and makes my heart jump in a painful way every time I think about it. I got really sick again so I couldn’t visit her, which had me crying in between waves of stabbing nausea. I was confined to the couch on a diet of apple juice, water and dry biscuits for nearly three weeks. Nothing cheered me up. Thankfully mum has now gotten the all clear. Other low points include- hubs almost cutting his finger off, my dog being sick, not having any of my writing picked up and a major leak in our apartment through one of the light fixtures and subsequent half removal of the bathroom ceiling (that is still yet to be repaired). Highlights- my mum getting the all clear, Easter, time with my family and friends, my brother by another mother getting his citizenship and my dog cheering me up by being cute (i.e. all the times he wasn’t vomiting on the bed or rug). Sighing a bit but also cherishing the good stuff.

     May 2012 was a bit hectic and filled with birthdays (hello cake, goodbye money). Our nephew turned three. I am trying to get used to having kids around but it’s weird. I don’t hate kids. I’m just not used to interacting with them and pretending to care about the Wiggles. We celebrated Mother’s Day and my mum’s birthday. My brah by another ma had his birthday. So much wrapping paper… I was still feeling pretty unwell earlier in the month and had three major assignments due. I managed to get them finished but it took a lot out of me.

     It was Eurovision, which I love and have been watching religiously for years. Sweden won! Actually I preferred Denmark’s entry but that’s just between you and me. There was a Super Moon. We drove out to Coogee and watched it rise over the ocean. All the leaves withered and fell off the trees. They skimmed around my ankles as I took our dog for walks. We ate and drank too much as usual. I started a couple of art projects including some of the paintings to take my mind off gruesome reality such as money and real estate. I don’t have any art training so they are okay I guess. I had a horrible art teacher at school who was inexplicably unsupportive so even though I really liked painting I quit in Year 10 because I thought everything I created was rubbish. It was only later at uni, when I needed extra credit and did art theory at summer school, that I had a brilliant art teacher who taught me that individual expression is never crap. That’s why you should always try to believe in yourself, most other people aren’t going to bother. This is something I need to remind myself of constantly.

     June 2012 was filled with bad weather, board games, movies and music. I became a Godmother for the first time to my new baby nephew. It was strange to be in the Catholic church. The vows felt false. It’s just not possible for me to believe in the words the priest said. I will love my little nephew and guide him towards being a good person as best I can but those are the only promises I can truly make.

     I started a photography course at ACP which has been pretty great, and I have learnt a lot (like how to adjust my aperture and turn down my flash- geez). I’m now officially set on manual and hope to produce some worthwhile pictures soon. I still feel like a dummy most of the time but I like the weight of the camera in my hands as I try to capture, something. I have been feeling very disappointed in myself the last few months for losing sight of what it is I originally set out to achieve nearly two years ago. I guess it has taken me being punched in the face repeatedly by life and suffering at the hands of my own muddled/ irrational decision making to realign my chakras and begin to focus on what is truly important to me. Writing. Hubs bought me an iPad a few months back to create my ‘masterpiece’ and it is finally out of its packaging, apps are downloaded and so far I am midway through two screenplays, one novelette and an article. I’m beginning to feel alive again- more like myself than ever and am slowly getting my confidence back. I have to thank the unending support of my family. I finally feel like I am taking full, uninterrupted breaths. Well sort of. I of course have a cold at the moment.

     July 2012. So guess what? In July I was sick. Again. I’m a delicate fucking petal. Three weeks of the flu is not fun but it was actually a bit of a catalyst because it completely took me out of the game. The only things I wanted to do was watch movies and sleep but the only other things I was happy doing was taking photos and writing. So I’m back on the path of writing (or rather back on track?) and I have finally put together a photography portfolio at cargo collective called, What the Wolf Saw. I discovered that I really like taking portraits but mainly my photography is a creative outlet. We watched The Dark Knight Rises. I don’t think we have ever been more excited about a film premiere. It also lead to me finally renting Bronson (heellooo, Tom Hardy). I like Christopher Nolan films but Nicolas Winding Refn remains one of my favourite directors. I love the dark little places his movies creep around in your mind. It was hubs birthday. As a surprise I took him on the hottest day in Winter to go iceskating at Bondi Beach. We gave up though as skating through an ankle deep puddle wasn’t great. We had tonnes of fun anyway- including the obligatory trip to Kingpin bowling, laughs with friends and lots of beer. That’s it. 

     August 2012. Waiting, waiting. Standstill. Stagnant. Red light. Stop sign. Hoping. Failing. Anticipating. Hoping. Waiting. Hold my hand, deuce. Cliff edge. Crumbling. Withdrawn. Framed. Image cracking. Hands shaking. Hold my hand. Deuce? I’m waiting. Standstill. Crushed. Waiting.

     September 2012. Last year I was depressed. Like, enrolled in Grad school depressed… This month I became a design school dropout, a decision I am surprisingly comfortable with. After all sometimes you have to fall on your ass to be able to look up at the sky. Hopefully I will be moving on to bigger and better things in the next few months. In the meantime I’m reading this and preparing a submission to this.

     October 2012. Things were okay and then came the slap. Cancer, rejection and a funeral. Both my brothers and my parents disappeared overseas. Temporarily of course. Crying to myself. Saying nothing, feeling everything. Fought constantly with my husband. We held each other up but as usual I am the bridge even though I’m smaller. I built myself up that way.

     Seventeen straight rejections of my writing and I just can’t stand it. How do people go on like this? I have lost all motivation, momentum, desire. The only time I laugh is in between sips of wine. Halloween came and there were some smiles though they were mostly painted on. That’s it. More than enough now.

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